a random collection of thoughts to be read at varying decibel levels

Monday, August 10, 2009

Fortune Cookie FTW/WTF

So I went out for Chinese the other night. It was good. We got Shrimp with Candied Walnuts and Honeydew and Orange Peel Beef and Seared Mushrooms. It was sweet and spicy and tangy and delicious. We had a nice time. Then the really unfriendly waitress brought the bill and our fortune cookies. I eagerly cracked mine open, hoping it said something about adventure or romance or my bright future. Here's what it said:
"You shouldn't overspend at the moment. Frugality is important."
Really, fortune cookie? I hadn't realized that going on five months of unemployment with three dollars to my name, I shouldn't blow it all on a mink stole. I'll have to cancel my order.

Maybe I should cut the fortune cookie some slack. During these tough times, with the housing crisis, the credit crunch, massive unemployment, our banking system in shambles, the cookie probably figured that's solid advice that could apply to any number of people, even the gainfully employed. I'll try not to take it so personally. Let's see what the boyfriend got.
"Your financial outlook is excellent."
Oh, screw you, fortune cookie.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Looking On The Bright Side

From Carolyn Hax's live chat today:

Somewhere, USA: Realtime crisis. I had an affair four years ago with a woman I met at my wife's office. The woman pushed and pushed for a more serious commitment, but I decided to focus that attention on my marriage and backed out of the affair. I never told my wife--I don't believe any good would have come of doing so.

Now it's now. My wife had several lateral moves throughout the year and as of this Monday will be reporting directly to that woman, to whom she refers as "the one you liked from that party." Because they were in different offices for those four years, the woman never interacted with my wife, which is the only reason my wife never found out how much the woman hates her.

I have two fears now that my wife and the woman will be in the same workspace every day: (1) that it will affect my wife's career negatively (her number one enemy is in power over her) and (2) that somehow my wife will find out what happened four years ago. Is now the best or worst possible time to come clean? Or is there anything I can do to prevent damage?

Carolyn Hax: Can I just say,

Wow.

I don't want all the responsibility for this one on me, so I'm urging everyone out there to weigh in if you have something constructive to say. But the only answer I can see here is that you tell your wife what happened. You can't send an unwitting victim into shark-infested waters, especially not when you're the only reason she's a victim in the first place.

Okay everyone, have at it.

Carolyn Hax: Mr. Somewhere, USA, your new nickname is "Chum."

At least I'm not that guy.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Seriously, William Carlos Williams?

When I was a senior in high school, my friend Greg (whom I called Gregor after Gregor Mendel) and I formulated a plan to defraud the Art world. He would be an "artist" and make pretentious abstract crap. I would be an art critic and bang the drum loudly for his work. We would split the proceeds of the sale of his work and on our deathbeds confess everything. The plan was inspired by our study of William Carlos Williams.

William Carlos Williams was an American poet and pediatrician born in New Jersey in 1883. He was involved in the early modernist movement in New York and was friends with many of its leaders, including Ezra Pound and James Joyce. Although he wrote many pieces, including novels, short stories, essays, and criticism, he is mostly known for his poems. These are what led us to hatch our plan. I am not suggesting that WCW was a swindler (my preferred job title). I'm just saying that as we sat in class listening to the dreaded Ms. Cho (she hated us) rhapsodize over his poetry, we came to the conclusion that he was either a genius or a total fraud.

Perhaps his most famous poem is "XXII, " more commonly referred to as "The Red Wheelbarrow":

So much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.

See? That's a really lovely sentence. It's simple and almost terse but creates a practically tangible image and is beautiful to read aloud. It succeeds as an attempt to create an American image. It succeeds in breaking away from British stress patterns. Is it also "real, not just "realism," but reality itself?" I suppose the image is, so well done, you. Here's the part where I jump out of the boat: What exactly depends upon a little red wheelbarrow? What is this "so much" you refer to? The answer, my friends, is nothing. Nothing "depends upon a little red wheelbarrow." And that's why although I believe that WCW is a master of the English language, I ultimately think he's full of it. Read through his work, and you can project anything you want onto it. Is it sad? hopeful? forlorn? resolute? Who the hell knows?

However, if you can stop yourself from thinking about anything beyond the loveliness of his words and imagery, he's quite good. This is one of my favorites:

This Is Just to Say
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

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